Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:16 pm

I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Wed Mar 21, 2012 7:17 pm

get more power with a porcelain carb.

http://videos2view.net/more-power.htm
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Toad » Wed Apr 25, 2012 6:19 pm

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
...
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:21 pm

Lets get this thread moving again.


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

----------------------
This real arshole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a F***ing tap underneath, taste it."

----------------------
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."

-----------------------
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:22 pm

There were three construction workers, one was Mexican, one was English, and the other was Polish. They were on the high scaffolding of the building they were building, and they were eating lunch.


The Mexican looked in his lunch, and said, "A taco. If I get a taco one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

The English guy looked in his lunch, and said, "Crumpets. If I get crumpets one more time, I'm going to jump off this building!"

Then the Polish guy looked in his lunch and said, "Polish sausage. If I get this sausage one more time, I'm going to jump off of this building!"

The next day they all got the same lunch, and they all jumped off the building and died.

At the funeral the Mexican's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want tacos, I would have made him something different."

Then the English guy's wife said, "If he would have told me he didn't want crumpets. I would have made him something else."

Then the Polish guy's wife said, "I don't understand. He made his own lunch."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:23 pm

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ?Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die??

The first man approached him and said, ?Sir, I don?t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I?ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent??

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, ?My wife?s first husband.?
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sun Oct 14, 2012 2:24 pm

A 93 year old man is sitting on the kerb crying
A passerby asks "whats up ?"
The old man moans "I'm married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast
and again before lunch and once before tea
and sucks me off twice again at night ".
Passerby says "whats the problem .
The old man replies " i can't remember where i live !
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Wed Feb 13, 2013 8:14 pm

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.'


The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.’
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby N_Swain » Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:47 am

Fast Sex


Bruce wanted desperately to have sex with his really, really hot neighbor. But she was married to someone else. One day Bruce got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!" Bruce said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband. So she called him and explained the situation. Her husband said, "ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she replied, "the bastard had all quarters".
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