Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Jarhead1775 » Mon Feb 14, 2011 11:30 pm

I dont care who you are..... thats some funny shit :lol:
Drive it 'til it sounds expensive
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:48 am

Jigsaw Puzzle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,



"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,



and I can't figure out how to get started."



Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."



Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,



"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.



Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)



















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:56 am

WHEN LIFE GETS TO HARD TO STAND, TRY KNEELING
-----


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to
change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It
was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11 year old son, Tommy, returned home from
school two hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did
you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him
out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did
you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her
out of her chair
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Sat Mar 12, 2011 9:00 am

>> Two women were playing golf. One teed off
>> and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of
>> men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately
>> clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
>> to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and
>> immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical
>> Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she
>> told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in
>> a few minutes,' the man replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the
>> fetal position, still clasping his hands at his
>> groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
>> allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
>> side, loosened his pants and put her hands
>> inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
>> asked, 'How does that feel'?
>>
>>
>>
>> He replied: It feels great, but I still
>> think my thumb's broken!
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Jun 16, 2011 4:36 pm

An Italian, named Luigi, is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a
call on his cell phone.

Luigi hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks
for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical
Italian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
Luigi just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I
said, my boy's a typical Italian bambino."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Luigi returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Italian
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

“Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So
how much does he weigh now?"

Proud Luigi answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

Luigi takes a long swig of Sambuca, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve,
leans into the bartender and proudly says: "We had him circumcised.

BA-DA-BING
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Jun 16, 2011 4:41 pm

Lost Kid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket.
The store attendant says ‘What does your mother look like?’
The kid says “How the f**k should I know?”
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Jun 16, 2011 4:43 pm

sex with a patient


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor Steve had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Steve, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Steve.'


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
Steve...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Jun 16, 2011 4:51 pm

One of my favorites of all time.


One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Mon Aug 15, 2011 7:56 pm

Testicle Therapy"


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied...

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Dreher Race cars » Tue Aug 16, 2011 8:35 am

Hmmm! I think I've heard that one before.^^^
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