Joke Thread

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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:03 pm

Hmmm, musta been a scotch night, I can never remember things on those nights, sorry. :oops:
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:16 pm

Lawyer story.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had
no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the F***
makes you think I'd give any to you?"
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Fri Sep 02, 2011 8:17 pm

Next life.

Often folks will ask what would I change if I were to have another life to live from scratch. Well, after pondering all the alternatives, I finally decided how it would be structured. So, here is the plan:
I want to live my next life backwards. I start out dead and get that ugly part out of the way right off the bat.
Then, I wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
When I am finally kicked out of the home for being too healthy, I spend several years enjoying my retirement and collecting benefit checks.
When I start work, I get a gold watch on my first day.
I work 45 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon I’m too young to work.
Then I'd go to college, pretend to study, party, play doctor with all the cute ladies, and drink a lot more.
So then, I go to high school and play sports, date, drink, and party.
As I get even younger, I become a kid again. I go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities whatsoever.
In a few years, I become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping me happy.
I spend my last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap and someone singing to me relaxing lullabies.
Until finally...I finish off as an orgasm.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby Toad » Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:32 pm

a sons story lol


One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:06 pm

No jokes lately, so I am adding a couple from another site I stole them from.


The Night of April 1st


Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 71 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:09 pm

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting.
You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:11 pm

Races in Heaven?
« on: February 10, 2012, 01:57:54 PM » Quote

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Near the end of their racing careers, race drivers Antonio and Luigi made a pact. The first one to reach racing heaven would let the other know if heaven even had car racing.

As luck would have it, Luigi was killed the next day in a horrific crash. A few days later, Luigi appeared to Antonio in a vision.

"well-a my friend, I have-a some good news, an-a some bad news," the Luigi told Antonio. "The good news-a, is dat heaven is-a crazy 'bout auto racing. Crazy I tell ya, they have-a everything here--a-NASCAR, da-Indy car, Formula 1, you name it."
"So what's-a da bad news?" Antonio demanded of the deceased Luigi.
"Da bad news is-a you've won-a da pole position for next-a Saturday's race."
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:12 pm

This morning I went to City Hall to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs
are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging
clue who their Dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with
housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.

My dogs get their first cheque next Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:13 pm

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Kate, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an assh___. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a sh_t head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012 stickers.
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby JonJ » Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:15 pm

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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